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"Royal Pain" Part 5

Back in Wallingford's room, Cass and Wally are still discussing names and titles. Cass is doing his best to keep from laughing about the whole business, but he'd never intentionally hurt his friend's feelings. After sitting silent for what seems like an eternity to Wally, Cass finally speaks.

Cass: (carefully) Wallingford Wolfgang Witherspoon, the 24th? (awkward pause) Wow! That's a mouthful!

Wally nods, then sneezes.

Cass: Gesundheit! (another pause) The Duke of Earl?

At this point, Cass literally has to bite his tongue. Wally, however, doesn't seem to notice. His gaze is directed toward the open door to his room.

Wally: (shocked) Are you crazy or something?! I told you there was an epidemic here!

Cass nearly falls out of his seat as Wilberforce enters the room. His resemblance to Wally is striking. Wilberforce approaches Wally's bed, not even bothering to acknowledge Cass' presence.

Wilberforce: (disdainfully) Forgive me, old boy, but I had to see for myself if you were all right. (notices Cass) Who, or what, is this?

Wally: This is Cass Winthrop, one of my best friends. Cass, this is my cousin Wilberforce from England.

Cass: (intending to shake hands) How do you do?

Wilberforce ignores the friendly gesture and glares at Cass as if he smells something disgusting. Embarrassed, Cass lowers his extended hand and turns toward Wally, who seems to be mentally counting to ten. Wally isn't buying Wilberforce's "concerned cousin" routine for a moment.
Thinking he might need to call security, Cass edges toward the door. Felicia tiptoes in and taps him on the shoulder. He realizes she needs to hear all of Wally's story and motions her toward the hallway, where they can talk without being overheard by Wilberforce.

Wilberforce: I've done some checking up on you, Wallingford. What would Great-Aunt Ruby say if she knew of your penchant for gambling?

Wally: (rolling his eyes) It's common knowledge that I play the ponies! I have for years!

Wilberforce: Yes, and you frequently lose money. And those people you're associating with! That Winthrop fellow and that romance novelist...Felicia So-and-so...

Wally sits straight up in bed, eyes narrowed.

Wally: Wilberforce, I'm warning you! Say what you like about me...but watch your mouth when it comes to my friends!

Wilberforce: (snorts) Novelist, indeed! I could write better schlock with half my brains removed!

Quick as a flash, Wally leaps out of bed and knocks Wilberforce to the floor with a single punch. Cass and Felicia hear the commotion and rush back into the room just in time to see Wally beating the daylights out of Wilberforce. Even in his weakened condition, Wally is the stronger of the two men.

Wally: (shouting) Take that back, you dirty son of a....

Wilberforce: (sputtering) Piss and brimstone! Get off me, man!

Felicia: (to Cass) Should we try to break it up?

Cass: It wouldn't do any good.

Felicia: Why not?

Cass: Like the song says, "Nothing can stop the Duke of Earl."

Felicia: (groans) You're enjoying this, aren't you?