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"Royal Pain" Part 6

Cass and Felicia watch helplessly as Wally continues to pummel Wilberforce.

Cass: (impressed) I don't know about you, Felicia, but my money's on Wally.

Felicia: This isn't a contest, Cass! I don't like that jerk Wilberforce any better than you, but one of us needs to break this up before Wally kills him!

Felicia shakes her head, trying to decide exactly what to do. She's never seen Wally so angry. Meanwhile, an elderly woman walks into the room. She starts to ask directions from a bewildered Felicia, but pauses when she sees the knock-down, drag-out fight.

Woman: (screeches) Wallingford! Unhand your cousin this instant!

Everyone turns to face Lady Ruby Witherspoon in surprise. Wally, however, is neither surprised nor pleased to see his great-aunt. Holding Wilberforce down with one hand, he balls the other hand into a fist and shakes it at Her Ladyship.

Wally: (snarling) Do you want some of this?!

Lady Ruby: (gasps) Well, I never!

Felicia: Wally, honey! Calm down!

Wally turns toward Felicia. His face flushes red with embarrassment as he realizes Felicia has seen the whole thing. He drags a bloodied Wilberforce to his feet.

Wilberforce: (whimpering) My nose! You broke my nose! I merely stated an opinion about your writer friend and...

Wally: (glares) An opinion is one thing. Blatant rudeness is another. You've done nothing but bad-mouth my friends since you walked in the door. If that's what blood relatives do, then I don't need you anymore. Instead of insulting Felicia, you should be kissing her feet! What's she ever done to you? (pause) Go home! (looks directly at Lady Ruby) And take Her Ladyship with you!

Wilberforce opens his mouth to argue.

Wally: Unless you're ready for Round Two...

Wilberforce: (quickly) No! I'm going!

Wilberforce, still holding his nose, runs out the door as fast as he can go. Lady Ruby glances at Wally with tears in her eyes. This is the first time she's ever shown any emotion toward him whatsoever.

Lady Ruby: (sobbing) Wallingford, I...

Wallingford: What?!

Lady Ruby: If that's the way you really feel, I'll go also. I just came by to give you this.

She hands him a large book with an ornate gold family crest on the front.

Lady Ruby: It's the complete Witherspoon family history. You should have it now since you're the Duke of Earl. Please read it before you decide to legally change your name to just plain Wallingford.

Wally: (subdued) Thank you. (pause) Great-Aunt Ruby, did you ever love me?

Lady Ruby: Of course I did, in my way. I always have. I guess it never occurred to me to tell you that...since no one in our family ever said it to me. I love you very much, Wallingford. And if I may say so, you're a wonderful, decent human being who knows what true friendship is all about. Wilberforce doesn't know what he's missing...

Wally: (smiles) I'm sorry I threatened to hit you. It's just...

Lady Ruby: (rolls her eyes) That damnable Wilberforce! I intend to give him what-for straight away! I'll be going now. Take care of yourself, my dear Wallingford. I'll be in touch, and I hope you and your friends feel better soon.

Lady Ruby blows Wally a kiss, then walks out the door. Wally returns the gesture and gets back into bed. He notices Cass, who's been unusually quiet.

Wally: (alarmed) Cass, are you OK? You look a little green.

Cass: (groans) No, Wally, I'm not! I feel like I'm gonna...

Cass immediately vomits all over the floor.

Felicia: I'll get the doctor.

Wally starts to get out of bed. Felicia points at him.

Felicia: You stay put!

Wally's jaw drops temporarily, but he obeys the order. Felicia nods and leaves the room. Wally picks up the Swiss Miss box near his bed and gazes lovingly at the blonde-haired girl in the picture.

Wally: You're cute, but I prefer tall brunettes. (grins) I'll keep drinking your cocoa, though.

He sees how awful Cass looks, and sets the box back down. Cass refuses to believe he's sick, even if he did just toss his cookies.

Cass: Is there anything I can do for you while I'm here, Wally?

Wally: (suddenly serious) Well, there is one thing. You can wake up now, Cass.

Cass: (stunned) Huh?

Wally: (shaking him) Wake up, Cass! Wake up!

Suddenly, the room seems to be swirling around Cass. Wally's voice seems to be coming from everywhere, as does Felicia's. Cass closes his eyes to keep his stomach from lurching. When he opens them again, he's at home in his own bed. Felicia and Wally are standing nearby with worried expressions on their faces.

Cass: (weakly) You two sure look a lot better.

Felicia: What are you talking about, Cass? We haven't been sick.

Cass: You haven't? But how...?

Wally: You came down with the flu about three days ago. (awestruck) And I never saw anybody throw up as much as you did!

Felicia: (wincing) Wallingford!

Cass: But what about the epidemic?

Felicia: What epidemic?

Wally: Anyway, we've had a devil of a time waking you up.

Cass: (babbling) What about Lady Ruby and the Duke of Earl?

Wally: (sadly) They didn't place.

Cass: (confused) Place?

Wally: At the racetrack. Those were the horses I bet on. I never dreamed Misbegotten Milo and Algebra-Schmalgebra would win instead.

Cass stares at both Felicia and Wally in disbelief.

Cass: So, you haven't been sick?

Felicia: (sternly) You don't have to sound so disappointed!

Cass: (to Wally) And you're not royalty?

Wally: (snickers) Not that I know of!

Cass: Do you mean to tell me I've been dreaming all this time?

Cass sighs and turns on the nearby radio. To his chagrin, the song playing is Duke of Earl by Gene Chandler. Screaming in frustration, he throws each of his pillows at Felicia and Wally.

Wally: (to Felicia) Well, what the heck did we do?

The End