Ok, feel free to discuss and critique to your hearts content. _________________ And I sit, endlessly watching the people as they walk below me, knowing that I will never walk among them, knowing I will never live as they have lived and loving them for it.
This is dedicated to my Kyalesyin, who has indulged my obsessions for longer than I would have expected, acted as my editor-in-chief and helped so much with the Irish accent.
First off, I'd like to apologise to Kaz, especially if she read my attempt at an Irish character. I don't have cool people to help me with diction. You can officially color me jealous.
Now that we got that out of the way. This was like a CSI episode of X-Men. Greg in DNA.
I really like how the story centered around an unknown (poor gal, I'd hate to have that mutation, that's like worse than being Toad), and Sage was more in periphery.
You could have ran the story could have ran a bit longer, even made an extended arc of it, and it would not have suffered a bit. But me personally, I loved how it ended. Very real life. _________________ I am Loki Scar-Lip, Loki Skywalker, Loki Giant's Child, Loki Lie-Smith.
I am Loki who is fire and wit and hate.
I am Loki. And I will be under an obligation to no one.
It isn't over yet Ave, this is just chapter 1. There are 9 chapters all told, including the epilogue, and a sequal on the way.
I'm glad you like Kayleigh (and her mutation gets her in some trouble later) and don't worry about the accent, I'm glad I had a diction coach as well.
And I'm glad you spotted Greg, because yup it was Greg from CSI. _________________ And I sit, endlessly watching the people as they walk below me, knowing that I will never walk among them, knowing I will never live as they have lived and loving them for it.
Yep. As the token Irish person in this relationship, I made sure the accent worked. It gets better later on too. Keep reading! _________________ When I am modding, my text looks something like this. Otherwise, I'm just a regular poster, like you.
Yeah, as far as clues that there are more chapters to come go, that's a great clue. Now if you'll pardon me, there's a brick wall that needs my moronic face smashed against it. _________________ I am Loki Scar-Lip, Loki Skywalker, Loki Giant's Child, Loki Lie-Smith.
I am Loki who is fire and wit and hate.
I am Loki. And I will be under an obligation to no one.
There is now a chapter 2 for your reading _________________ When I am modding, my text looks something like this. Otherwise, I'm just a regular poster, like you.
The Classic Escalating Serial...I love it. Your usage of suspense is beautiful. And the dynamic between Kayleigh and Sage is great. Can't wait for part three. _________________ I am Loki Scar-Lip, Loki Skywalker, Loki Giant's Child, Loki Lie-Smith.
I am Loki who is fire and wit and hate.
I am Loki. And I will be under an obligation to no one.
Ok. I'm not sure what the deal is, but you people (Yes, faithful Guilders I refer to you) need to get on the ball. Stef has put out some absolute gems of stories (including this one) for our reading pleasure. So pleasureably read them, and then drop her some comments. Please. Even if it's just to tell her how awesome her story is (I'm fairly certain she won't mind the abundance of compliments too overly much).
Sorry, had to get that off my chest. Now on with the praises.
First off, I have the perfect name for this chapter: "Greg Speaks."
I hate to say this, but there were a few more typos than usual. For the most part it wasn't a big deal, but there were a few sentences that took some rereading. e.g.
Quote:
Sage nodded but was otherwise quiet as if although she was still taking in data she was preoccupied with processing it.
However if the worst criticizm you receive is a few typos, then it's safe to assume your story is amazing. And it's very safe to assume your story is friggin amazing.
Closing note: I love how the story mainly focuses around 'Leigh and Sage. How 'Leigh reacts (or overreacts) to Sage. The question of whether, or when/how, the two will get together. And the whole time the reader is wondering about this relationship, there is this little bitty, very significant mystery over in the corner softly jabbing us with a stick, something about a serial killer, a mutant serial killer, a mutant serial killer who is targeting mutants. Intrigue on top of passion. _________________ I am Loki Scar-Lip, Loki Skywalker, Loki Giant's Child, Loki Lie-Smith.
I am Loki who is fire and wit and hate.
I am Loki. And I will be under an obligation to no one.
Damnit. Proof us editing types aren't perfect. _________________ When I am modding, my text looks something like this. Otherwise, I'm just a regular poster, like you.
Tachnically it is a gramatical error, and should read:
Sage nodded but was otherwise quiet as if, although she was still taking in data, she was preoccupied with processing it. _________________ And I sit, endlessly watching the people as they walk below me, knowing that I will never walk among them, knowing I will never live as they have lived and loving them for it.
Tachnically? Is that a programmer term? _________________ When I am modding, my text looks something like this. Otherwise, I'm just a regular poster, like you.
Well I finally got around to Chapter 4 (Hey it only took me the better part of two weeks....), and I 'm digging Kayleigh more and more as we go on. I love how verbally 'inappropriate' she reacts to everything, and how she seems to always get stuck mid-sentence whenever Sage is in the tri-state area. It's also nice how Sage never acknowledges it; she just politely, if not perfunctorily, skips ahead to the next sentence. And now that Kayleigh knows Bishop's place in Sage's life, it'll be fun to see if she can keep that hair under control. _________________ I am Loki Scar-Lip, Loki Skywalker, Loki Giant's Child, Loki Lie-Smith.
I am Loki who is fire and wit and hate.
I am Loki. And I will be under an obligation to no one.
We did debate giving Kayleigh a full blown stutter, but I think in the end we decided that falling all over her words was funnier. That and her ability to curse up a storm. _________________ When I am modding, my text looks something like this. Otherwise, I'm just a regular poster, like you.
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