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The Gambit Guild
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Syaoran
Master Thief
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Joined: 01 Sep 2006
Posts: 546
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| Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 5:16 pm Post subject: Trench Coated Man Discussion. |
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What did everyone think about it? I stopped using the script way and tried to do it the basic way. I hope I did a decent fiction for a change. |
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Avarice
Council Member
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Joined: 01 Sep 2006
Posts: 500
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| Posted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 5:38 am Post subject: |
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You know, for someone worried about his writing of accents, you just handled Rogue and Remy's very well.
There were a few subject-verb agreement errors, e.g. when you refered to Remy's (and Rogue's) pants and Rogue's gloves you used 'is', it should have been 'are'. By the way, on the subject ofclothing, you did a good job on giving visual descriptions.
As a general rule, any time you change speakers, you start a new paragraph. I know that kinda lenghtens the story a bit, but it makes it easier for the reader to know who is talking when.
And a gentleman would have let Rogue take the bed and slept on the balcony himself. Hahaha. Sorry, couldn't resist.
Keep on writing bro, you're certainly getting better.
_________________
I am Loki Scar-Lip, Loki Skywalker, Loki Giant's Child, Loki Lie-Smith.
I am Loki who is fire and wit and hate.
I am Loki. And I will be under an obligation to no one. |
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Stefbug
Matriarch of the Guild
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Joined: 01 Sep 2006
Posts: 1457
Location: Plymouth
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| Posted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with Ave, you handled the accents very well indeed and I could really here Rogue and Remy talking in them.
I also liked the premise of the story, with Rogue and Remy running in each other like that, and Remy playing the hero because he likes the thrill of it.
Just a couple of little nags. Un-casual is not a word, I know its kinda picky but it was something that caught my eye.
And again agreeing with Ave, starting a new paragraph for a new speaker in converstion is a must. I know is seems like you'll barely have anything in a paragraph when you split it up like that, but it makes it so much easier to read.
Keep up the good work though, I like your style and you are really getting better.
_________________
And I sit, endlessly watching the people as they walk below me, knowing that I will never walk among them, knowing I will never live as they have lived and loving them for it.
Bang mon ami, you dead!
God loves Tante, he's too scared to do otherwise. |
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Syaoran
Master Thief
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Joined: 01 Sep 2006
Posts: 546
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| Posted: Sun Oct 01, 2006 6:02 am Post subject: |
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Posted the second chapter. I know it's a bit shorter, but I was tryin' to get the feelings across and this time I posted with the talkin' seperated and thanks to Stef my first posted was edited the same way. Enjoy chapter two. |
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Avarice
Council Member
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Joined: 01 Sep 2006
Posts: 500
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| Posted: Thu Oct 19, 2006 8:09 am Post subject: |
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Well, you started off the chapter with a nice funny scene (got some great mental images from that by the way) and finished it on a more emotional note. I have to say you handled the transition very well.
In the first sentence you used the word 'lain' a past tense of lay, however you should have used 'lay' the past tense of 'lie'. Of course if I were perfectly honest, I'd have to admit that I have to sit around with my AP Stylebook for hours trying to keep those two words straight.
Overall a very good job. I'm interested to see where this is leading up to.
_________________
I am Loki Scar-Lip, Loki Skywalker, Loki Giant's Child, Loki Lie-Smith.
I am Loki who is fire and wit and hate.
I am Loki. And I will be under an obligation to no one. |
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