I take a different attitude to every X-book. With Carey's Adjectiveless I expect to read a new chapter leading to a new event that will further shape a deadly new x-universe. I look upon each new issue as a deadly and serious revelation. With Brubaker's Uncanny I expect another tedious chapter in a story that will hopefully pay off. However, with Joss Whedon's Astonishing I know that there is only one thing I can count on: I will be entertained.
And it is with this mentality that I open up my copy of Astonishing X-men #20 (luckily I keep getting the special edition covers, this one features beast)
But first a recap is in order, and I shall act this all out for you.
Agent Brand ( Who will be henceforth referred to as GHB or 'The Green Haired Bitch): Well, i've captured you all, including a hostile alien and an unbeatable crazy robot to go to Breakworld to stop a hostile alien race from destroying earth. Oh, and Collossus is their harbinger of apocalypse. Just FYI!
Emma: All better!
Beast: I am smarter than everyone here and I take every opportunity to show it. And your plan sucks.
Colossus: Wow, so we finally had sex.
Kitty: Yeah, well, Emma's screwing with my mind has made me incapable of trusting you, so now its going to be 20 years real world time before we ever do it again!
Hisako: Wow, I am so much cuter and more entertaining then all those other pet characters, like Gazer from Milligan's run, and Darwin on Uncanny!
Cyclops: Okay, we'll play it your way. Are we gonna make it to the planet in this ship?
GHB: If they dont detect us.
...
...
...
...
...
*console explodes*
Cyclops:Whats going on?
GHB: They dectected us.
Cyclops: OH SHI-
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So, we cut back to the X-men being royally screwed on the SWORD vessel as the Breakworld fleet begins basically gang banging the defenseless vessel. They're 14 minutes from Breakworld and about 5 minutes from being shredded. But its okay, because GHB has a plan!
The front of the ship breaks open and a smaller SWORD vessel breaks out of it, leaving the burning wreck behind. This ship is seriously tricked out, unbreachable hull, the most powerful engines in the fleet, extremely maneuverable.
Its a real pity the X-men arent on it.
GHB explains that although the escaping supership is powerful, it will not avoid detection when it reaches Breakworld and its crew , however it has drawn the fire of the entire Breakworld fleet.
So, they take these extra 5 minutes they have to install their babel fishes, somehow conjur up their uniforms from thin air, and get special oxygen implants to keep them from instantly dying in a vacum. Hisako also finally gets her own uniform, or rather a spare of Kitty's which she comments upon Kitty's freakishly long arms. So, they recieve their battle plans to go to an ancient tomb that contains a good deal of information regarding the 'Rasputin Prophecy'. Meanwhile, the Raspuin in question appears to still have sand in his pants in spite of the costume change, and asks the GHB why she hasnt gotten it over with and killed him, making it a simple solution. She replies that she dosent believe in the prophecy and wants to defy it.
So, the guys hop into two escape pods, Colossus and Kitty with Wolvie and Hisako in one, and Cyke, Emma, Beast, and GHB in the other. They eject just as the ship explodes and they blend in with the debris. The pods zip towards Breakworld. Meanwhile the Breakworlders board the remains of the SWORD ship and capture the rest of the soldiers alive on board (including Ord and Danger).
On pod one Hisako has passed out from the shaking, and Colossus expresses concern for the others in pod two.
Meanwhile, in pod 2, Cyke and co. Are comfortably sipping tea in easy chairs in an upper class victorian home. Emma decided that rather than handling the hassle of rather painful centrifugal forces she would gloss over reality until they crash land. (I love the creative use of her powers)
And, naturally, with the luck of people in Pod 1, it rips open in orbit and the poor X-men they are they begin skydiving from about 500 miles up without a parachute. Kitty grabs Colossus and phases him while Wolverine tries to wake up Hisako as the remains of their seats begin to ignite around them. Shes out like a light and Wolverine has to stab her in the leg to wake her up, she activates her armor as they finally begin to burn up in the atmosphere. Kitty and Colossus meanwhile are facing the dilema that theyre falling towards a Breakworld city and even though they are safe Kitty cant slow them down.
(Interesting note, after this they have a preview for the new Dark Tower comic book, which I must reccomend to stephen king fans, and if you arent familiar with the books, I would recommend reading them)
Luckily, Kitty and Colossus' dilema is remedied when they find the buildings are made of a material Kitty cant phase through, Colossus luckily breaks her fall and they find themselves surrounded by heavily armed Breakworlders.
Cyke, Emma, Beast, and the GHB make a rather comfortable water landing. But Emma cant sense the others and if they survived they are out of her range. Beast begins to warn GHB that if they didn't survive he will be sure to indulge his new embarassingly aquired taste for human flesh. (I love how vicious Beast can be at times and yet he still manages to deliver it all so eloquently). They clear the hill and find the massive temple ahead of them.
Back with Mr. Evil Breakworld Commander Guy (or EBCG), hes being told of Colossus' landing and how him and the girl he was with just managed to fall through the ground. Ord has decided to play the martyr and ask to be punished for his failure to stop the X-men from reaching the planet. Danger meanwhile has become friendly with EBCG and informs him there was a synthetic among the captives that was apparently aiding Ord. EBCG decides to speak with the synthetic and meanwhile orders the SWORD officers tortured for information.
The Breakworlders have found the SWORD supership landed on the planet and begin their assault on the ship before quickly having their asses handed to them. The SWORD officers meanwhile begin preparing to move to a more secure position, they send out Kitty's little purple...dragon...guy to go scout.
Hisako and Wolvie are in an abandoned building on the planet, and while Hisako has not a single scratch on her, wolvie is...barely identifiable, hes basically a bubbling pink fleshy mesh in the shape of a human. Wolverine comments on the strength of Hisako's powers and the shape of his face. He says that as soon as he has a nose and a few more tendons again they can move. Hisako begins to grow upset, doubting her capacity to be an X-man, as she puts it "I have a chemistry test on wednesday, I cant be an X-man"
Wolverine explains that he sees how she fights and wants her on the team, but shes gonna have to prove she can handle this. A brief silence passes, and she picks her name: Armor. Wolverine comments about how it seems a bit too direct, and that in this case he should change his name to 'Claws'. She finally perks up and tells him if he can go a day without stabbing her in the leg he can choose her name, she then heads out into the streets to scout.
Kitty and Colossus meanwhile are taking down Breakworlders left and right down in the sewers, Colossus is really upset about the prophecy and how as he fights these people he fears hes proving it. Kitty consoles him and tells him that his fate to destroy this world is not written in stone.
Naturally, Cyke and Co. Enter the temple and gaze at the massive carving of Colossus destroying this world...set in stone.
Review:
Yes, it was very entertaining. Whedon never fails to disappoint, while I consider Brubaker's works to be the light appetizer, and Carey to be the savory main course, his work is the glorious dessert you get every once in a while. The characters work very well as an ensemble and his adept use of humor blends seamlessly into the plot, and Beasts crack about eating the GHB went down real well with me, as well as the tea party scene. I am honestly interested in where this arc is going, it gets extremely unusual when somehow you have been predicted thousands of years before you ever existed, and I can understand Colossus' anxiety. The character driven scenes however make the arc flow in a very special way and it sucks that this will be the last one for Whedon before he moves to better and brighter things.
Cassaday's work is amazing as well, and it better be if he spends a friggin month and a half drawing. Cyclops has got this awesome gritty look about him, although for some reason Emma's white/pink lipstick never seems to fade. And Colossus looks yummy....I mean...I aint like that....but if I was...well....i'll stop here.
Really, you just gotta mourn the fact that this amazing work will be gone soon.
....In like...2 years, you know, the length of time it will take for them to crank out 5 new issues.
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On a different not, it turns out my 'Brubaker Bashing' is not unfounded, in a recent interview with Newsarama.com he talked about how he really dragged his ass for the early part of the arc and now he has to cram the story into the final 3 issues. A task he does not look forward to. But apparently things are gonna get nasty at the end of this arc, and at least 2 people will not be returning, and one of them isnt Vulcan I personally have my money on Rachel and the Prof.
However, following that will be a traditional X-men arc about the Morlocks in the aftermath of House of M. He has stated that the team will be entirely different except Warpath. Which upsets me because I need my Nightcrawler.
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I always thought that Rogue and Gambit should adopt that Leech kid from X3.
"Alright son, you can sleep on dis here futon next to our bed! put on deese earmuffs, an' dis blindfold, and if you hear screamin' ignore it!" |
