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pepperpot
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| Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2007 10:04 am Post subject: |
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There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Some of these are excellent ...
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere
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pepperpot
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:14 am Post subject: |
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of h--l and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in h--l, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in h--l?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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janewm
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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Samantha
Now that one I like.
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"If you cannot find the Truth right where you are, where else do you expect to find it?" Dogen
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pepperpot
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Location: Venezuela
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| Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2007 10:09 am Post subject: |
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It was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.
THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke...
"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework.
Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.
The first one is "gross"
And the other one is "cool"
Are there any questions?"
After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand,
and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...
"So, what are they?"
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pepperpot
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| Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2007 10:15 am Post subject: |
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A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
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pepperpot
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| Posted: Mon Aug 06, 2007 10:24 am Post subject: |
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A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice.
The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk.
The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys.
After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes.
His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy.
His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered:
Well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, "Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.
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pepperpot
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| Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:08 am Post subject: |
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Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.
The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins."
The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins."
After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets."
Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers."
Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2."
Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."
All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong?"....
"I work for 7up"!!!
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pepperpot
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| Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007 8:08 am Post subject: |
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”
“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”
She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
“My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says...
“Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
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pepperpot
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| Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver.
The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; can I take your order sir?
The truck driver replied, sure kid I want three flat tires and two headlights.
The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon? The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights.
The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever.
The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook.
He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.”
The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him.
The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this...
The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this, I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights.
The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!
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Sheila
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| Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 9:22 am Post subject: |
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Sam...
A good one...I was reading it and figured it was a truck stop order just like it stated...pancakes and sunny side up eggs...lol...Maybe some truck stops really have that on their menu's...
I wonder what a full up is...LOL...The entire menu...Very hungry guy today...fill me up...
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"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.” ...
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pepperpot
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| Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 2:27 pm Post subject: |
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Glad you like it Sheila, here's another... hmmmm I wonder if we can pull this one with our boss hehe
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Work Jokes
A blonde called her new boss to explain there was a problem with her check.
In checking the timesheets the boss noticed that she had not punched in since her first day of orientation. He tried to explain that her check was right since she had only worked the one day for the company.
The blonde went on insisting that her check was short, and that the company apparently had problems with their math in figuring out her check. She asked her boss how many days were in a year.
He said there are 365.
She asked if he knew how many weeks were in a year.
And he replied there are 52.
She went on to say that since there are 52 weeks per year in which she had 2 weekend days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since she was scheduled to work 8 hours a day, she spent 16 hours each day away from work, and that added up 170 days, leaving only 91 days for work.
She went on to explain that during the day she spent in company orientation she learned that the company allowed her 30 minutes each day for her two coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days for work.
Orientation also informed her that she would be given a 1-hour lunch each day, which used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
The company also allowed 2 days per year for sick leave, leaving her only 20 days per year to work.
The company additionally allowed her to be off 5 holidays per year, bringing her available working time down to 15 days.
Then there were the 14 days vacation the company so generously allowed all employees which leaves only 1 day for her to work ... and well, the boss has already conceded that she did time in and out on her orientation day, so would he please get her check corrected. And if it would be easier for the accounting department ... they could go ahead and make it out for her yearly salary, since she had obviously already put in her share of work for that year.
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Sheila
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| Posted: Thu Dec 06, 2007 7:23 am Post subject: |
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Sam,
I would have to say she isn't the tipical dumb blonde stero type at all. If she could pull that off in other companies...wow what a pay check she would get for the days she worked...
Great one once again Samantha, 
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"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.” ...
"Henry Drummond" |
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pepperpot
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:00 am Post subject: |
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- In the front yard of a funeral home = "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
- In a nonsmoking area = "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
- On a maternity room door = "Push, Push, Push."
- On a front door = "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
- At an optometrist's office= "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
- On a taxidermist's window = "We really know our stuff."
- On a butcher's window = "Let me meat your needs."
- On a fence - "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
- At a car dealership = "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
- Outside a muffler shop = "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
- On a desk in a reception room = "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
- In a veterinarian's waiting room = "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
- In a Beauty Shop = "Dye now!"
- On the side of a garbage truck = "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
- In a restaurant window = "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
- Inside a bowling alley = "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
- In a cafeteria - "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
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fay47
Royal Geek
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:22 am Post subject: |
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Sam,
Fay |
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Sheila
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 10:08 am Post subject: |
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....
laughing...
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"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love.” ...
"Henry Drummond" |
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