A little tomato who knows her onions can go out with an old potato and come home with a lot of lettuce and a couple of carats.
********
I didn't have potatoes, so I substituted rice.
I didn't have paprika, so I used another spice.
I didn't have tomato sauce, I used tomato paste;
A whole can, not a half can - I don't believe in waste.
A friend gave me the recipe; she said you couldn't beat it.
There must be something wrong with her, I couldn't even eat it!
********
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
********
The sweaty cook asked a man eating the dinner special:
Do you feel all right? Do see two fingers? Yes? Great!
OK, Mildred you can serve the stew, the mushrooms aren't poisonous!
********
What is small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.
********
SOUP
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth. He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes," the customer replied "but maybe it has a leek in it!"
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ARTICHOKE:
Daniel the gangster wants to rub out a client that's not paying his gambling bills. Times are hard so he only has $1.00 to pay his hit man, Artimus to do the job. The hit man goes to do the job but forgets his gun and has to strangle the client. Next, two of the clients friends come in and he has to take them out also. What do you think the headlines are the next day in the paper?
Answer: Arti-chokes three for a dollar.
ASPARAGUS:
The Sixties, yes, the Sixties. Time of hope, time of rebellion, time for planning new ways to do things, ways that could not be any worse that what was being done at that time.
In contrast to most of the other movements of the time, one very active group combined militant vegetarianism (not so uncommon) with militant prohibitionism (very uncommon). They believed, in fact, that the first would automatically lead to perfect health. Eat only vegetables, love one another, and the desire and drive to consume Demon Rum would just pass away. They believed that: Peas would rule the planets, and love would clear the bars. It was the dawning of the age of asparagus.
BEANS:
What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots? String beans.
CABBAGE:
Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage. He sent out a decree that from then on, whenever anyone ate cabbage, it must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise and bits of carrots. This is known as Cole's Law...
CORN:
Why is it not wise to tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Do you know who the father of all bad jokes is?
Pop Corn!!!
CUCUMBER:
When is a cucumber like a strawberry?
When one is in a pickle and the other is in a jam.
GARLIC:
Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner.
LETTUCE:
What is a Honeymoon Salad?
Lettuce alone, with no dressing.
**********
Knock, Knock
Who's there? Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in and you'll find out.
**********
What did the lettuce say to the celery?
Quit stalking me.
**********
What do you say to rotten lettuce?
You should have your head examined.
LEEKS:
What vegetable did Noah leave off the Ark?
Leeks.
MELON:
Boy Melon: Honey, can we run away and get married?
Girl Melon: Sorry, I cantaloupe.
**********
Where do watermelons go for holidays?
John Cougars' Melon Camp
**********
An old farmer was once asked what the difference was between a watermelon and a sweet pea. He thought about it for a moment and replied: "Well, I think about 20 minutes."
**********
A girl visited a farm one day and wanted to buy a large watermelon.
"That will be three dollars," said the farmer.
"I've only got 30 cents," said the young girl.
The farmer pointed to a very small watermelon in the field and said, "How about that one?"
"Okay, I'll take it," said the girl, "but leave it on the vine. I'll be back for it in a month."
**********
Knock, Knock
Who's there? Cantaloupe.
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe tonight; Dad's got the car.
OKRA:
What was green and a great trick shot artist?
Annie Okra
ONION:
Do you want "corny" jokes?
Nah. We want jokes with "a peel".
Sorry, but jokes about onions bring tears to my eyes.
PARSLEY:
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
PEAS:
I eat my peas with honey.
I've et them all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny,
But it keeps them on my knife.
POTATOES:
An old man lived alone. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who used to help him, was in jail. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up the garden plot, that's where I buried the bodies!!
Love, Son
At 4 a.m. the next morning, the local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. A few days later the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Son
**********
My mother-in-law grows a great patch of potatoes.
In fact, to get them off to a good start, she plants each seed potato in a small paper bag........
It keeps the dirt out of their eyes.
**********
Knock, Knock
Who's there? Spectator.
Spectator who?
Do ya' spectators will grow well this year?
**********
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato.
**********
A man went into a department store and asked an assistant, "Do you sell potato clocks?"
"Potato clocks, sir? I'm not sure what you mean," replied the assistant.
"Well," came the explanation, "I'm always being late for work, and my boss said I would get there before nine if I got a potato clock ...."
(If you think about it long enough, you'll get it; it's a play on words - if I got up at eight o'clock)
**********
POTATO HAIKU by Kim Hodges (copyright 1995):
Potato Peelings
Winter - outside my window
six potatoes huddle
on the telephone line
twittering softly.
Spring - leaves open
the first potato pops up,
sees its shadow,
and goes back down.
Two more weeks of winter.
Spring - a small potato
has fallen out of its nest.
the large ones circle
hysterically, shrieking.
A potato peaks out
from behind the sofa
time to set traps again
**********
Potato Scraps
The men from McDonald's
race across the field with nets
potatoes scurry in all directions
some hide under lettuce leaves,
hopelessly.
Budget cuts at USDA -
homeless potatoes linger
in doorways and on street corners
occasionally one leaps out
at passersby.
Most are bakers, the police say,
a few pit potatoes have been seen -
those are the dangerous ones.
The thief stopped her.
She rummaged in her purse,
handed him the potato.
Is that all? he demanded.
She reached in again,
gave him the packets
of butter and sour cream.
He left, grumbling,
'No chives again'.
PUMPKIN
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.
TOMATO
Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date!
How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste!
Why was the tomato blushing?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Shopper: I'm looking for STEWED tomatoes.
Clerk: Try the salad BAR.
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VEGETABLE POEMS:
Oh dear I love you.
But if you'll beetroot to me,
I'll beetroot to you.
Courtesy of Marcel Bruins, The Netherlands
To my favorite honeydew, do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you, with your turnip nose, and radish face.
You are a peach. If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry.
Weed make a swell pear.
WORST JOKES:
The old perfesser's nephew from Louisiana was getting married. The girl of his dreams was from Kansas, and being so far away from home, wanted to add something from her home state to the wedding. They explained to the old and Mrs. Perfesser that they'd like the guests to throw wheat instead of rice after the ceremony.
Thinking for a moment, the old perfesser quips, "Well, I guess we should all be glad she's not from Idaho!"
=====================
"Uncle Perfesser," said Jimmy Joe, "are caterpillars good to eat?"
"Jimmy Joe!" stormed the old perfesser. "I asked you not to ask such questions during meals... bugs ain't fit dinner talk!"
"Well now, why did you say that, Jimmy Joe?" asked MrsPerfesser. "Why did you ask that question?"
"It's because I saw one on Uncle Perfesser's lettuce," said Jimmy Joe. "But it's OK... it's gone now."
=====================
Mrs. Perfesser had cooked a halfway decent meal one night, and the old perfesser had been goin' at it with gusto. He was about halfway finished his meal when he took a good long look at the potato. He looked over at Mrs. Perfesser and said, "This potato is bad." Mrs. Perfesser picked it up, smacked it, and put it back on his plate... then said, "If that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."
=====================
A detective who spent his entire career in plain clothes quit the police force and bought a farm.
"What kind of crops do you plan to grow?" the police chief asked the farmer-to-be.
"Carrots and potatoes," the man replied.
"Why carrots and potatoes?" asked the chief.
"Because," answered the ex-detective, . . . "I'm very fond of undercover crops."
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VEGETABLE TRUE STORIES:
I stopped at a fruit stand in Brawley when I spied a large pile of watermelons for sale cheap.
The sign said "Watermelons - $1 each". I walked up and selected a medium sized one.
I started to pay and the lady operating the fruit stand said, "That one will be $3.50".
"Wait a minute", I said, "Your sign says a dollar each".
"The dollar ones are in that box", she replied, pointing to some small culls in the corner.
"Those watermelons aren't very big", I responded.
With a wry smile on her face, the lady shot back, "Well, Mister their a lot bigger than your dollar".
I bought the bigger one for $3.50 and decided not to tell my wife that I had been had.
*****
Q: What do you get if 375 blueberries try to go through a door at the sametime?
A: Blueberry jam
Q: What is the fruitiest lesson?
A: History, because it's full of dates!
Okay...here's an oldie but a goodie:
Q: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Finding half a worm in your apple!
*****
Q: What did that carrot say to the celery?
A: Stop stalking me!
(This is an original of Retro's own design. )
*****
Here's another Retro original:
Q: Why did the carrot quite its job at the V8 factory?
A: Because it didn't like its celery (salary)!
******
One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."
Orange you glad we're not all lawyers?
*****
Q: What vegetable has rhythm?
A: A Beet
*****
Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!!!
*****
Q.What did the apple say about the man?
A. He's gone bananas!
*****
Q. What happened to the Runner Bean that was scared?
A. He ran off. |
