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Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing,

then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili

cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you

pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction

of the third judge is even better. For those of you

who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time

Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion

of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named

Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person

called in sick at the last moment and I happened to

be standing there at the judge's table, asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call

came in. I was assured by the other two judges

(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that

spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free

beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became

Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.

Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is

this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.

Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst

one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight

jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers

to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides

pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in

more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium

spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting

Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me

more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the

back, now my backbone is in the front part of my

chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good

side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of

a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my

tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to

burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing

behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to

look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili

an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers

freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very

impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use

more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a

strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring

off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted,

and four people behind me needed paramedics The contestant

seemed offended when I told her that her chili had

given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from

bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the

pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It

really ticks me off that the other judges asked me

to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.

Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of

peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe

filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself

when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.

No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my

butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance

on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally

threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #

3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is

cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,

pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've

lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it

is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with

chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My

pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least

during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I

need air, I'll just suck it in through the

4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice

blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to

declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced

chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most

of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,

fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of

himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor

feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot

chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Wink

_________________
Ya Can't Fix Stupid !!