> HAIR REMOVAL
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> For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't
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> will never make this mistake. Better go pee before you read this. This
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> is by far one of the funniest things I have ever read.
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>
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> Hair Removal...
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> (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A RIOT!)
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> All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
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> painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
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> wax.
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> Read on.........
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> My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
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> play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in
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> my mind for the next few hours:
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>
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> 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I
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> headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold
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> wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
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> together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
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> them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No
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> muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
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> mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
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>
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> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
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> stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so
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> I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.
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> ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the
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> skin around it tight and pull. It works!
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>
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> OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
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> Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward
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> body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
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>
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> With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
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> back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I
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> drop my panties and place one foot on t he toilet. Using the same
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> procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini
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> line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the
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> inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and
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> brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
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>
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> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
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> Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
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> strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and
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> spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay
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> conscious.
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> Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I
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> want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me
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> so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
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> glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no
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> hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
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>
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> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
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> hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am
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> touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body,
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> which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next
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> BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know
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> I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
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>
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> Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! I penguin walk around
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> the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please
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> don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do
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> to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest
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> water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits
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> and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
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> *WRONG!!!!!!!*
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> I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
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> torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
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> Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together
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> is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the
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> tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
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> So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented
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> myself to the porcelain! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
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> months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!
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> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
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> secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
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> 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'
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> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
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> but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly
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> where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
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> She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown
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> and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!
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> Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
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>
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> While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the
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> wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better than to have your girlie
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> goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
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> water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
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> By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
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> pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
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> event.
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> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
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> grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I
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> really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
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> The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
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> friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works
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> !!'
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> I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
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> Isuccessfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
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> grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!
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>
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> So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I
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> could have amputated my own leg at this point.
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>
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> Next week I'm going to try hair color...
_________________
Ya Can't Fix Stupid !!
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