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MPA-Black Jack wrote:

Here's my input to help get the creative writing juices flowing. My comments are in bold/italics for easy identification. [ ] signifies deleted words, phrases or sentences without replacement. To see everything in context, please compare to the original. I hope the suggestions come across as intended, which is to help refine these fine thoughts.

Enforcer wrote:

Here is the rough draft. You could've done better. So help fix this or submit one that does the same job... OR if you can't think of anything better, you could sign this one:

A Notice and Appeal from the People
To Whom It May Concern:

Greetings,

Throughout history people have been obliged to petition their government at sporadic intervals, demanding change and justice. Second sentence unnecessary; our own Unanimous Declaration states this; it is known full well by those who will ge this. This Notice and Appeal is presented in that spirit.

Our nation was built upon the precept that Rights are conferred upon each person at birth [you might want to substitute 'creation' or 'conception' for birth, as the right to life is confered upon conception, and using 'birth' could provide some sort of ammo to abortionist minded readers] by their God (whomever they deem that to be.) Further, the founders proclaimed that those Rights were unalienable: that is those Rights could not be bought, sold, traded away nor taken – except as a punishment for an actual crime [do you want to be a bit more specific here between crimes that 'every man should know are evil' and the all encompassing 'actual crime' which could be a crime against a prohibition that is only a crime because it's on the books?] .

We are a country which was built upon the foundation of morality and justice that included the Freedom of Religion and the Right to worship as one’s conscience dictates. Last part of original sentence is almost a redundancy of the first sentence.

Constitutionally loyal Americans believe in the Right to Privacy, the Right to Private Property Ownership and the Right to Self Defense (an inevitable necessity in a free world). It is our Right and our inheritance.

In a free society, the elected officials derive their just powers by the consent of those they preside over. In totalitarian societies, the public officials take the liberties through unlawful usurpations of power; through intimidation and force; through corruption and a misuse of police powers and military might. <------the second sentence is pretty unnecessary even as an introductory statement because of the Unanimous Declaration that is known very, very well by those who will read this. Unless this is a tool to teach the reader, then it could be taken as condescention.

Historically, people have endured injustice as long as it was tolerable rather than stand [ ] against an oppressive government. But, the People have again realized that they have an Obligation, a Duty, and a solemn Responsibility to reject tyranny and oppression. History demonstrates that Liberties lost are lost forever. <-- the writing goes from third to first person often. You might want to make it parallel throughout the text.

Today, the People have petitioned and used every remedy available under the law to no avail. The usurpers have stolen a nation and have no intention of recognizing God given Rights. [ ] Privileges, doled out by government, have replaced previously recognized Rights. A myriad of statutes, edicts, rules, regulations, administrative requirements, government policies, ordinances, executive orders, court rulings, and such [ ] have destroyed the Liberties of the people. In order to substantiate the facts, let us enumerate the transgressions the government has committed against its citizenry:

Regarding the Freedom of Religion, the government has reinterpreted the First Amendment to say freedom FROM religion. Churches are required to seek approval from the government and given licenses and tax exempt status in exchange for not offending the policies of the federal government. Every reference to the religion of the founders of our nation is met with harsh reprisals. Bibles and religious materials are prohibited on government-controlled property, as is prayer in school and any discussion of religion as it pertains to Christianity in this country. By contrast, all kinds of accommodations are made for other religions including, but not limited to their dress codes, dietary laws and methods of worship. A bizarre doctrine of separation of church and state has been initiated whereby religious authorities cannot interfere with the government, but government can breach the wall to interject themselves into the religious doctrines of the church.

Regarding the Freedom of Expression, the government has made it impossible for third parties to field candidates for public office with special requirements they must meet that do not apply to the major two party system. Guarantees of Freedom of Speech have been repealed; those disagreeing with the powers that be risk being classified as enemies of the State, enemy combatants, domestic terrorists or seditionists.

On taxation, whereby an amendment, unconstitutionally passed, still deprives the people of their most valuable asset: the fruits of their labor. The income tax is unconstitutional, illegal, unconscionable, immoral and not enforceable in a de jure republic. Further, our laws do not anticipate nor grant the authority to the government to delegate their responsibilities to third party corporations, which do not answer to the citizenry.

The people have been compelled to accept the creation of a banking system which is controlled by a private corporation whose officers are chosen by the banking community and given a rubber stamp approval by the executive department within the federal government. Our forefathers warned that if the people allowed such a condition to be implemented that it would deprive the People of all their property until their children woke up to find themselves homeless on the continent their Fathers had conquered. The foreclosure rate in our nation bears witness to the accuracy of that prediction.

The government has interjected itself into the rights of Private Property by the citizens as well. Abuses and reinterpretations of the eminent domain clause and State statutes to allow private corporations to steal property if it means increased revenues for local, State or federal governments have become common place. [From here on to the rest of this paragraph, the information, while true, does nothing more to make the point previously made.]

Among the most egregious assaults on the Liberties on the people is the implementation of gun control laws that now number in the tens of thousands. [Unnecesary to make the point.] It has been observed that the greatest reason for the People to retain the Right to keep and bear Arms is, as a last resort, to prevent tyranny in government. Today, at least ten percent of the States in this Union have virtually outlawed the private ownership of firearms. All different manner of laws to deprive the citizenry of our Liberty teeth have been employed. The use of firearm bans, import bans, limitations on magazines or features and the places in which a citizen can bear Arms have obliterated the Right. Laws have been passed to discourage and prevent the citizenry from using firearms for personal protection and the protection of the lives of others. We are being forced to become willing victims of criminal activity.

The people have been forced to endure the attacks upon their Right to Privacy with the implementation of National Identification, specifically when it is tied to numbers that were issued for tax purposes. [Again, unnecessary to make the point.] The people are spied on, photographed, monitored and investigated for no legitimate purpose. Files are generated and the nation’s leadership has declared that anyone who is not for the current regime is against it; and therefore, a legitimate target for being raided and possibly murdered.

The people are being subjected to warrant-less searches and seizures, roving roadblocks and other ID checks. The records of the books the people read in the library are subject to review by law enforcement officials and all manner of electronic communications are monitored via eavesdropping without the benefit of a warrant. Due Process is denied on the most spurious pretext of National Security. The constitutional safeguards put into place by the founders of our country no longer exist, despite the fact that the people have never amended the Constitution.

Both Houses of Congress have sat silently, refusing to institute our Common Language, namely English, as the official language. The government has refused to establish an uniform Rule of Naturalization, despite their legal charge to do so. The immigration laws have not been revised in over half a century and no longer anticipate the supply and demand being placed on immigrants by business, the citizenry and the government which is now dependent upon foreign laborers. [Unnecessary to make the point.]

The government has created mountains of bureaucratic agencies; delegated control to corporations and other people who do not answer to the citizenry. These same agencies create their own laws, maintain their own courts and dole out their own brand of punishment. Our courts have become little more than rubber stamps for the hordes of unelected petty tyrants who have developed laws crouched in the terminology of public policy. We are no longer a constitutional republic as we were guaranteed. The People no longer have Due Process, Representative Government, or anything that would suggest that this is a Free Nation.

Our forefathers proclaimed before King George that a free born people are not required by God to submit to tyranny, but may make use of such power as God has given them to recover and support their laws and liberties... [Very few mentions of "Jesus Christ" in the Declaration or the Constitution....God is there, but not Jesus. Might want to consider keeping it at God for now.]

Our own courts have ruled that the people are not obligated to submit to an unconstitutional act. Yet, agents of a government claiming to be lawful have placed heavy burdens upon the people. We must choose between being obedient to the prevailing system or being true to our religious convictions. The people have literally been forced to choose between obedience to government or loyalty to the dictates of their conscience.

Free people do not compromise on matters of God given Rights; we cannot negotiate with tyrants over Rights that were bestowed upon us at birth and not subject to their control.

We, the undersigned, being Citizens and of legal age issue this Notice and Appeal:

That we will no longer tolerate the usurpations of power nor be subject to a yoke of tyranny;

That we will refuse to abide by any law, no matter its pretended authority, that deprives us of the basic Rights guaranteed under the Bill of Rights and subject to the interpretation of the original intent when said Bill of Rights was ratified;

[Never telegraph a punch. Don't tell them what you will or won't do. Just a thought.]

That each of us pledge to the other our time, resources, commitment and our word of Honor to defend our fellow citizen from any harm which any branch of government or agents thereof mete out for an individual’s failure to observe any act which violates the Rights contemplated in this Notice and Appeal

We hereby put all government officials, legislators and all others concerned that we retain the Right and the Duty to abolish such government which demonstrates a disregard for the God given Rights of the citizenry, thereby threatening them with despotism, tyranny and / or the atmosphere of repression

We APPEAL to all government officials, whether elected or appointed and regardless of branch of government to cease and desist the enforcement of laws that are repugnant to the Rights enumerated in the Constitution and reiterated in this Notice and Appeal. We demand the repeal of any law, rule, policy, regulation, statute or such like which conflicts with our Rights. These terms are absolute and non–negotiable. We retain the Right to separate ourselves from the [ ] government and dissolve the political bands which tie us together if our Rights are not declared inviolate.

Wow...very good overall statement of what's what. I read this from a flow and content perspective, so again, my comments are just to give thought for a more concise document that says only what it needs to say.

I hope you read it as I meant it.

Thanks,
MPA-Black Jack[/b][/i]

FWIW, strictly from a position wishing to help refine the document while maintaining its intent, I still stand by suggestions I posted at the beginning of this thread.

If you read the original document objectively, without 'pride of authorship' and use the basic writers' 'cold-eye edit approach', you may find a bit more agreement today than originally.

Again, the idea should not be to teach the audience world and American history, rather, as the title says, it is a "notice" and an "appeal".The title implies that the reader will be aware of historical fact leading to the formulation of governments, the United States, and so on. As you know, it also implies a fervent request for serious consideration to return to the right ways of governing a free People. This appeal as written turns into an ultimatum--at best, one which will be read and most likely ignored and discarded....because no consequence of any weight (from the federal government's perspective) exists or can be enforced (again from their perspective). At worst, it may be seen as a challenge; the gauntlet being thrown down, if you will, and put into motion oppression that will kill many, literally.

Bottom line on this document as written: Be careful of what you ask for, you just might get it.

I appeal to the readers of this string to carefully consider each sentence and each conveyed meaning, so that when it is finally complete, all who sign it know full well exactly what they are putting forward.

Thanks for reading my .02

MPA-Black Jack